10:00 - Tragedy struck our Army family this past weekend big time. First on Friday night, which I spoke about already, was the death of a young Corporal, then on Sunday evening Martin received a phone call that his previous First Sergent's wife had just died. There were rumors that claimed it was a possible suicide but she was also very ill and it could have had something to do with her long term struggle. So far there haven't been any updates on its resolution but it came as a larger blow than the news that a young soldier had died. Or possibly it just came when all our defenses were already down. I wondered to our Major's wife if this is how "normal life" was or it if was "Army life?" She thinks "normal life." I am not so sure. Sunday night made me realize that I was losing hope in humanity. Or maybe more correctly I had my eyes opened to the fact that we truly are not promised tomorrow. Not at all, and I personally waste so much time worrying that I am not doing "what I am supposed to be doing" or that I am not doing enough. Instead I should be thankful that I am happy and alive, that my husband is happy and alive, that my friends are alive and thriving, and that I have not lost a close family member. It's amazing that we have all made it this far in the dangerous and chancy game of life.
As far as the suicide goes, it makes me ill to think that people are so unhappy that death seems the only choice in life. Even more, I then am angry at them for leaving behind so many people that count on them for making their lives more complete. Child, parents, spouses; suicide is incredibly selfish! Now there is a dad out there that has to raise his children alone. No one asked him to do that. I have read that raising children puts a strain on your marriage. But it doesn't seem fair that this dad now doesn't have that second person to ask advice of. There is no one else but you to help you raise your children. Easy when it comes to who has to pick them up from dance but extremely difficult when larger issues arise. You may argue with your wife/husband on what is the best decision but at least you have someone else with as much invested interest in your kids. Makes me feel for Martin's dad. It is like when you reach that certain age when you realize that your parents are people too, with intricate lives filled with difficulties and dreams. The older I get and the more experiences I am put through the more empathy I have for people and the situations life has dealt to them. Life is pretty black and white when you are younger. You have all these strong opinions about right and wrong, but then as you grow older and you experience more you realize the world is very much grey and not at all black and white. Actually the world should be technicolored, not grey. Grey on a bad day, technicolored when I am feeling optimistic.
I have volunteered to take a Care Team Training course, which is meant to train those willing to help after a death (or serious accident) has occurred in a family. After the second blow of bad news on Sunday night I wasn't so sure I wanted to be that close or informed of those tragedies. Ignorance is bliss and I was afraid that if I heard about death after death it would turn me into a blubbering, hyper paranoid woman who would require her husband to call her upon arrival every time he drove/walked/flew/bused/swam/convoyed anywhere! (In similar regards, I have decided to stop watching scary movies, they too make me paranoid. Paranoid that someone is hiding in my garage, paranoid someone is going to jump in my bedroom window, paranoid that I am going to be hacked into tiny pieces and thrown into the woods. A single woe of mine for having such a vivid imagination!) Anyways, the next morning I changed my mind and decided that I did want to help those families in need and would in fact continue with my Care Team Training. And so tonight I will be baking dozens of cookies for a young soldier's memorial service. As if cookies could actually mean anything in that world of hurt.