21:19 – For whatever reason these past days I have been extremely emotional regarding thoughts of losing those I love. It seems everyday Martin tells me of another soldier (or two) that was killed in Afghanistan. The other night it was an ’08 West Point graduate. He was my age, his wife is my age, they were married 18 months. I looked at her facebook pictures and under a photo of her was a comment from him “This was the weekend I knew I wanted to marry you.” All I could do was cry. And pray to God that he never took Martin from me. I could not handle that. Today I googled “military wife blog” to find inspiration for this blog here and stumpled upon a blog of another young wife who lost her husband. A father who never met his baby girl. I was crying at work. Another blog this evening I was reading spoke of losing her beloved dog. What do I do? I call over Sully and Katia and cry into their necks.
It is silly of me. Martin isn’t set to deploy until next July and to Iraq not Afghanistan. The puppies are only 2 and a half, they have many years before they are elderly. So why am I so sad and emotional over all these things? As odd as it is though, as far as the soldiers go, yes I am sad that theirs lives were ended so shortly and unfairly, but mostly I am crying for the wives. These poor women who all they did was love a man in the military. They didn’t deserve to have that happen to them. They didn’t deserve it at all. But now they are the ones who get to look at the pictures and cry themselves to sleep. They are the ones that have to find the strength and reason to get out of bed every morning. They are the ones that still have to live. I can not handle if Martin leaves me. What would happen when the dogs finally got old and passes away, the last remaining thing we shared? I’d feel like I was slowly losing pieces of him without evening being asking if that was okay. I feel like I would die. I don’t know how these women do it. I am so sad for them, more sad than I ever thought I could be. And fearful for myself.